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Luftwaffles

Update of my journey back to Zimbabwe

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Hello my friends! I just thought I would give you all a big thank you for your support and your help during my time of need, after the shipping crate fuck up and being detained in Norway I am happy to inform you that I have now successfully made it back safely to Zimbabwe. 

It was not an easy task after I was arrested for crimes against humanity and a load of other liberal bullshit in Norway, To their, my jailer was a very staunch and stubborn man, I tried to bribe him with land and titles in Zimbabwe but he was not interested in the slightest, he was more concerned with honour and duty to his nation which is very admirable but in this case extremely annoying for me because it meant I would be able to go free anytime soon. 

I had to really think outside the box on this one... Even though I was under arrest I still had the right to a phone call. Who did I call you say? Well, who else but Akimbe Naduwala Jones? My right hand man, lawyer, admiral-general of the Zimbabwean armed forces, minister of witchcraft and wizardry and my best friend in the whole wide world. After he heard of my situation he wasted no time in feeding enough crack to kill an elephant to one of my fastest panthers in the crack-panther army and managed to arrive in Norway 45 minutes later from Zimbabwe... After doing some digging on my captors, Akimbe managed to find the address of Torgeir after asking Mark Zuckerberg very nicely and rewarding him with 14 orphaned children he uses to regenerate his human suit by sucking the life from them, it's not like they would have been any use to Zimbabwe anyway. Akimbe paid a visit to Torgeir's home and sent pictures to Torgeir of my panther snarling unsettlingly close to his wife and children.

After receiving these destressing images Torgeir agreed to help me escape prison on the notion I would free his family, naturally I agreed, so he managed to smuggle me out in a dustbin filled with medical waste, needless to say I no longer have to worry myself about HIV because judging by the amount of pricks I got, enough to make Freddy mercury proud might I add, I probably have something much much worse like... SUPERAID's

Anyway after being left by the side of the road outside prison in a bin full of needles and other shit I really don't want to talk about because this will haunt me forever and I will never sleep again, Akimbe came to pick me up in a bus he had stolen full of Japanese tourists. 

We managed to cross the border into Sweden, we did not have any passports on us but they let us in anyway after Akimbe geniously managed to accuse the border guard of racism for not believing he was Swedish and got him fired on the spot for being racist and intolerant. I really didn't think it would work but fuck me Sweden has issues, we were given ten thousand IKEA dollars as a sorry for the delay and the traumatic experience the border guard had put us through and an arabic phrasebook to communicate better with the locals (yeah I don't understand either) we passed through Sweden without any issues. Eventually we crossed over into Germany on the ferry and managed to bribe the germans with our IKEA bucks, he said something about needing to build a new Reich, I presume it's a wardrobe from IKEA because they all have wierd herdy gurdy names.

After a day of travelling we found ourselves stuck in Italy unable to cross the Mediterranean because my crack panther could not carry two people at once, the Japanese tourist were still not aware they had been kidnapped and continued taking photos and smiling maybe the nukes that were dropped on them messed with their sense of danger I don't know. Akimbe came up with another ingenious idea, he managed to procure a bathtub and traded a jar of dolmio for a bath plug, apparently the euro has dropped in value recently that people have resorted to employing a primitive bartering system. turns out a bathtub placed in water floats, so we duct taped my panther to the back of the bathtub and feeding it more panther fuel (crack) we were off in our bathtub of broken dreams and questionable morals.

we forgot to add something to steer with so we ended up stopping about a mile off the coast of Durban, South Africa due to our panther becoming fatigued and the poor thing hadnt eaten since Akimbe accidentally fed Torgeir's family to it... 'great' i thought, not only does south africa hate me because i killed a bunch of locals and set fire to a few things here and there, those who do no know me will try and kill me because i am a white devil, fucking racist <inappropriate2>s... back to the tale at hand though, we managed to swim to shore with our panther protecting us from the sharks that surrounded us, they ended up backing off after about 20 minutes because my panther ate like 6 of them. we reached shore and rested for a few hours Akimbe was out of crack, and i was fairly tired myself.

we decided to push on and try and find a car, but since the boers lost power and south africa was run by morgan freeman for a while (a commie might i add) they hadnt seen a car since 2003, because all enterprise and business had fled the country years ago in favor of more stable areas like somalia and sierra leone. anyway we had to walk about 20 miles until our panther became agitated and on-edge, he led us to a derelict block of flats which had been taken over by a gang of hoodlums, i know my panthers very well and he surely had gotten wind of a crack den. 

after about 30 minutes of screaming and death rattles the den was cleared out, all that remained of the previous occupants were just an arm here and a leg there and a mountain of crack. we strapped a old horse cart to my panther and fed it the magical go-go-dust and we were off again on a sub-sonic adventure, thankfully this time we had reigns for controlling the panther and google maps, we ended up back in Zimbabwe and was escorted by the presidential guard. upon arrival i instantly promoted my crack-panther to the rank of General and gave him all the crack he could handle until he OD'ed 10 minutes later, he's fine he's resting up in our best hospital guarded by his brothers and sisters. i am safe and well but robert mugabe has moved on to my couch after being evicted from his council house in Brixton after his benefits were stopped, it's awkward to say the least but i dont mind he's a good laugh. well, until my next adventure. this is it from me for now, hopefully i will see you all again soon, if not, come to Zimbabwe and bring your best guns because shortly i will be invading south africa and there will be land and titles for anyone who participates! until next time, goodbye.

 

Edited by Luftwaffles
finishing off the story

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